Madame Ursula

January 15, 2011

 

The Astounding Madame Ursula washed and dried her breakfast dishes, stacking them in the kitchen dresser. She then retrieved Black Frank from his favourite spot on her comfortable chair.

“You’ve been a good cat,” she said scratching him under the chin, before scooting him out of door.

Madame Ursula paused to look at cards arranged on the table. She sighed and adjusted her scarf.

Leaving her hovel she locked the door and put out the wheelie bin (even though it was only Tuesday). Crossing the street to the bookies she was knocked down and killed by the number thirteen bus.


Sewage

January 9, 2011

 

Meanwhile at Portland Municipal Sewage Works…

Gabe regarded the young engineer with contempt. He wore those fancy wire-frame glasses and a look of disgust which indicated that, unlike Gabe, he still had a sense of smell.

Both men looked across the vast pool of sewage which bubbled alarmingly.

“Levels of methane have increased over 300%,” said the engineer, “I blame those new mung bean cereal bars. Have you tried them? They’re delicious.”

Gabe retrieved the cigarette from behind his ear.

“You won’t catch me eating that muck,” he growled and lit his cigarette.

The subsequent fireball was visible from Seattle.


The Gangster and the Toyota

October 3, 2010

When Mrs Edith Bobkin took her car to the garage she was as surprised as anyone when the brutalised corpse of crime lord Derrick ‘Knuckles’ Pearce was found in the boot. The police were called, and everybody sat down with a nice cup of tea to get over the shock.

When he arrived Detective Stone took one look at the confused old lady in the office and asked a constable to drive her home.

The Masked Avenger turned to the burly mechanic sat beside her.

“Excuse me dear, have you seen my glasses? At my age one becomes rather forgetful…”


Sniff

September 25, 2010

<sniff>

I glare at the balding little man with a red nose sitting opposite. It is bad enough to be stuck in a stationary train without having to listen to this incessant sniffing.

<sniff>

I’ve had enough.

“Excuse me,” I say. “I had to listen to your wretched sniffing for the last hour. Can’t you just blow your nose?”

Other people in the carriage turn and gawp. He stares at me, unrepentant, and slowly wipes his nose on his sleeve.

I’ve made my point. I sit back satisfied. But then I feel an irrepressible tickle growing within my nose.

<sniff>


The Streaker

September 11, 2010

If I am going to do it I had better do it soon.

On the pitch a game of cricket that not even the players are interested in meanders through the afternoon. I look around at the boozy crowd and… the TV cameras.

I am going to streak. If I make it past the stewards I should get to the middle. But when should I take of my pants?

Stop procrastinating, lets do it! I head for the fence.

A huge roar goes up around the ground. I see a naked man sprinting across the outfield, genitals flapping.

Selfish git.


Drink me

August 14, 2010

Head pounding Steve wandered into the kitchen looking for a coffee, but expecting a fight. However Jen was nowhere to be seen. Last night they had been drinking, then brawling, and he had ended up sleeping on the couch.

On the table was a glass of juice accompanied by a note in Jen’s familiar scrawl; ‘Drink Me’. Steve swigged it down wincing at the bitter taste.

The room swam.

As the neurotoxins entered his bloodstream Steve felt his chest contract, squeezing the breath out of him. He slumped to the floor.

Under the table was a cup-cake labelled ‘Eat Me’.


The Nasty Man

June 23, 2010

Would you do something for me?

Picture in your mind the last time that you saw your family. Was it dropping the kids off at school, or perhaps saying goodbye to your girlfriend as she left for work?

Now think carefully. In the background do you see a tall thin man wearing a black hat; maybe standing in the street or staring through the window? No? In your mind’s eye take a look over your shoulder.

Do you see him now, looking back at you? If you do you ought to hurry home, because that is me… the nasty man.