April 3, 2010
Amanda had been on the phone for most of the afternoon. Those idiots in accounts had excelled themselves this time, and the shit was beginning to fly. She wasn’t going to be left carrying the can, but first she had to check on Maisie upstairs watching cartoons.
Her blackberry chirruped; Geoff ringing to start the blame game.
When Amanda finally climbed the stairs to the playroom there was silence. No cartoons! Panic, emanating from maternal dread, gripped her. She burst through the door…
“Mummy, I did it all on me own.”
Behind Maisie the paper-mache golem uttered a piteous moan.
March 16, 2010
“This salmon and apricot mouse is simply divine,” simpered Miranda. “You absolutely must give me the recipe.”
There were murmurs of agreement from around the table. Glowing with pride Miriam began to reply.
“Well it’s quite simple really…”
“My dog could make a better salmon mouse,” Geoffrey interrupted cheerfully. “Farmed salmon is disgusting, it’s pumped full of steroids and antibiotics. It has been scientifically proven to cause a ninety seven percent increase in colon cancer in lab rats…”
The shocked silence was broken by an arch whisper.
“Geoffrey, remember what Dr Spunkmeyer said; dinner parties are not like the internet.”
February 14, 2010
Nobody knew the name of the hermit who lived on the golf course, or whether he was a mystic or simply misanthropic. A suburban Crusoe, he practiced weird self-sufficiency barbecuing squirrels over a smoky campfire.
Eschewing all human contact; the hermit refused to acknowledge those errant golfers who, in search of missing balls, strayed close to his hovel behind a bunker on the seventeenth.
He was a disconcerting presence as he strode wild eyed down the fairway, or chanted beside the driving range. Thankfully, each winter he would vanish to spend the season skulking by the slopes of Val d’Isere.
February 13, 2010
After three hours imprisoned in the dark Steve used a fire extinguisher to bludgeon his way out of the stationary cupboard.
Of course Steve’s escape lacked subtlety, and attracted the attention of his erstwhile colleagues. Bursting into the corridor he was confronted by Gerry armed with a golf club.
Gerry lashed out, but Steve was able to parry with the extinguisher. However, stunned by the impact he could not to prevent Tracy, the temp, from garrotting him with a power cable.
Losing consciousness Steve regretted, for the umpteenth time that day, welching on his dues for the office coffee club.
[First posted Thu Nov 26, 2009]
February 13, 2010
Ted opened the door greet his daughter’s mysterious prom date. He was faced by a scrawny, acne-ridden specimen.
“Hullo, Mr Murphy. I am Gandalf the Magnificent, but you can call me Eugene,” the date smirked.
“Good Lord, you’re a nerd. But how…?”
“You are probably wondering why your daughter chose me as her escort tonight. Actually I rolled a +6 modifier on my wand of enchantment,” Eugene leered. “Now Sandy cannot resist my charms.”
Ted scowled as Sandy ran to the door and attached herself to her date. The nerd winked as he lead his victim to the bus stop.
[First posted Tue Sep 01, 2009]