Ambient Sausage Rolls

April 13, 2010

When he finally entered the room it was empty, apart from… something?

Matthew was struck by the distinct sensation that he were about to consume a freshly-baked sausage roll. He visualised flaky golden pastry and a steaming sausage meat filling, peppery and so hot it would almost scald his mouth.

Despite himself Matthew began to salivate.

But then the elation of the ephemeral pastry was supplanted by a deep melancholy; fear of the butcher and the piggy-wig, and of the metaphysical grinder relentlessly chewing up skin and gristle and countless unnamed organs.

His hunger dissipated and he left the room.



March 2, 2010

‘Baaa,’ says Dave.

Dave is a sheep, like me. We stand in the meadow, under a blue sky dotted with small white clouds. It is the perfect day to be a sheep.

‘Baaa,’ repeats Dave. He is offering to share the patch of clover that he is eating. I take a bite… delicious.

‘Baaa,’ says Dave anxiously, looking at two men climbing into the field. They yell human words which I cannot understand.

‘Oi freak, get out off my land,’ says one of the men, incomprehensibly.

I wonder who they are shouting at. There is nobody here but us sheep.


February 13, 2010

One morning Gilbert awoke from an unpleasant dream in which he was a pig. A nightmare he realised, as he sat with the images still fresh and vivid in his mind.

In the dream he had been imprisoned in the back of a truck, crammed in with his herd standing supine as they were jostled by the moving vehicle. Worse still, he alone was conscious of their destination; off to the slaughterhouse to have their throats slit. He had screamed in terror.

With a trotter Gilbert wearily rubbed the sleep from his eyes and went downstairs to get some coffee.

[First posted Fri Dec 04, 2009]


February 13, 2010

An inscrutable cow stands impassive on the crest of the hill as darkness consumes the stars.

As the village below her is laid waste by the firestorm, she does not flinch or bat a long-lashed eyelid. As the cataclysm overtakes mankind (surely it is the end of the world?) she remained unmoved by the screams of the damned.

Under her gaze the fires burn until the acrid grey morning, when nothing remains of the village except smoking ashes. Cow flicks an ear and surveys the scene uncomfortably. Her resolve is unbroken. Sadly, she thinks, she could not have avoided this.

[First posted Sat Aug 08, 2009]


February 13, 2010

Immediately upon entering the dinning room Tabby’s whiskers twitched and she froze. Scanning the room she spotted the large mouse under the table eating a piece of discarded toast.

The cat slowly lowered her haunches to the floor regarding her prey, and then with a flick of her tail she leapt forward. Spotting Tabby for the first time the mouse dropped the toast and scuttled away under a chair. Skidding Tabby swatted the mouse with her paw, before darting after it between the chair legs.

Victorious, the cat bit into the mouse’s plump body; before wretching and coughing. Ack, Marmite.

[First posted Sat Apr 25, 2009