The Reunion

April 25, 2010

On the day of his funeral Jerry sat, incognito, at the back of the church and watched the mourners.

His elderly mother looked pleasingly distraught. His brother gave a moving eulogy in which he praised Jerry’s many talents. Rather ironic since the last time they had met Simon had called him a loser.

There was even a sobbing ex-girlfriend; what right had she to be there?

He couldn’t take it any more. Jerry strode down the aisle to confront the hypocrites.

His mother and the ex-girlfriend screamed. Simon’s face blanched as he fumbled for a crucifix.

“Get back, foul beast.”


Election Night

April 18, 2010

In his office Gordon fumed over the exit polls. He had expected to be creamed by that pompous twat Cameron, but to come in third behind the wretched Lib Dems… it was intolerable.

All those years of hard work, only to have it screwed up by those muppets on Wall Street.

“Bollocks to it all!” Gordon screamed.

Storming from the room he ripped off his suit and began to pull on the red lycra devil costume. In the lock-up garage behind Number 10 his mechanical spider awaited.

He hit speed dial.

“Come on Darling, I’m going out with a bang.”


Ambient Sausage Rolls

April 13, 2010

When he finally entered the room it was empty, apart from… something?

Matthew was struck by the distinct sensation that he were about to consume a freshly-baked sausage roll. He visualised flaky golden pastry and a steaming sausage meat filling, peppery and so hot it would almost scald his mouth.

Despite himself Matthew began to salivate.

But then the elation of the ephemeral pastry was supplanted by a deep melancholy; fear of the butcher and the piggy-wig, and of the metaphysical grinder relentlessly chewing up skin and gristle and countless unnamed organs.

His hunger dissipated and he left the room.


Regrets

April 8, 2010

Robbie thought about all of the stupid things that he had done; like the time that he and Dean got stoned and crashed his Dad’s ute into the creek. Or how he had reacted when Gemma told him that she was pregnant.

The lander started to shake.

But the dumbest thing, by far, had been to sign-up to fight the Martian menace.

The lander was shaking so bad now Robbie thought it would shake the teeth out of his head. The trooper beside him started to throw up.

If he got out of this alive he was going to… BANG!


Unattended

April 3, 2010

Amanda had been on the phone for most of the afternoon. Those idiots in accounts had excelled themselves this time, and the shit was beginning to fly. She wasn’t going to be left carrying the can, but first she had to check on Maisie upstairs watching cartoons.

Her blackberry chirruped; Geoff ringing to start the blame game.

When Amanda finally climbed the stairs to the playroom there was silence. No cartoons! Panic, emanating from maternal dread, gripped her. She burst through the door…

“Mummy, I did it all on me own.”

Behind Maisie the paper-mache golem uttered a piteous moan.